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Sun, Oct. 30th, 2005, 06:38 pm
Halloween ...

It's halloween .. oh yay. // well ... might I go out? hm ... I don't know .. it seems pointless for a 17 year old asking for candy [as the Yanks would say] but it's only fun eh? I can't decide.

Feel quite lonely // sad // um ... well - not depressed ... but ... hm ... and so, yes, I don't feel happiness in my soul at the moment. But do I ever?

oh and I wish my parents will give me my birthday present now! It's been over a month since my birthday and they both promised they would give me something. Hm ... I guess being loved and cared for is better than presents.

I wish I was as beautiful as ... Marilyn Monroe. [Norma Jean.]

  

// I wonder if I'll see her ghost tomorrow night?

I hope not!

x

Mon, Oct. 17th, 2005, 08:25 pm
Entry number ....

 

I haven't posted on here in ages. Hello everyone: Graeme, the admirer, Mike ... Lol, the three people who are loyal to my journal :)

I've been busy with so much coursework/work, it's been getting me down. You ought to see how much I still have to do. I've worked hardest in Textiles; I want to make something of that - and I've seen on this sheet-thing, my teacher has marked my work so far as a C/B; and this might go up ;D In art I think I'm doing ok. It's terribly boring though, and my teachers usually ask us to talk about our work to the group! Gr ......... and one said, she couldn't stand listening to Collide! So now we have to listen to Classical FM :( I guess Graphics is going ok too. Haha, I haven't been turning up to the lessons I'm supossed to be helping out in. I don't think my teachers mind, but let's hope they don't blurt it out to the year-head :-\ then I will get a bollocking. But I have an excuse: Lots of coursework to get on with!

Other than that things are ok I guess. My whole confidence mentally and physically should improve ... :( but it can't.

anyway ... that's all I think :)

xxxx

Tue, Sep. 27th, 2005, 06:38 pm
I'm quite happy.... QUITE.

  

I've dropped Coms - horrah! Jolly good show.

Instead, I'm helping out with the year 7 classes; and my sister's (muhahaha!!) It might be better. I was thinking of retaking Maths? I won't be able to get into the normal classes because I got such a low grade; But I could go to the evening class Monday evenings (from 7 til 9pm.) My first thought was fuck that - it still is 'fuck that.' Pfft, 7 in the evening til 9 at night? Heh! But many colleges/universities/employers don't want to look at my grades and think 'shit this bitch got an F - what a thick cow; she's no use.' My year-head wants to know by tomorrow, so I'll discuss with pee and em tonight.

Um .. I'm ok ... so fucking glad I'm out of Coms. I bought some jewelery today: A gothic cross necklace for £6, black bangle for £4 and a pair of earrings for three quid. Lol, £13 all together ¬.¬ That's New Look for you .. http://www.newlook.co.uk

I didn't go and see the bloke today ... There was no point: He wasn't going to be in. Besides, those stupid neighbours have put me right off. I doubt I'll see him for now on. ... Well, that's the way it has to be ... like the Led Zeppelin song That's The Way - one of my fave acoustic-songs of theirs.

I'm getting spots again :( Colin says I need to eat more apples and pairs. Fuck you Colin you asshole! ... sorry Colin - *hugs* ... he's right. I can't help it though; I love chocolate. ... cake. Mmmm .. chocolate.... *drools*

Well that's all for now :)

xxxx

Sun, Sep. 25th, 2005, 07:30 pm
Sunday evening. ..

I'm tired ... </3

I saw him today. Me and sisters decided to go to nan's, and we walked through the lane-way. At first I decided not to, but then went back. My sisters stood about two metres away, both hid behind a bush :-\ .. The dogs barked; I heard him shout down to them. I waited ... nothing happened ... so I ... (it was rude of me *blushes*) I opened the door and called out to him! Then heard my sisters shouting my name and heard him going 'Lucy!' .. Perplexed, I shut the door and looked up: He had his head peered out of a small window; His hair - to my utter dissapointment was ... awful :( It was kinda shorter than it was before, and the red dye had turned pinky-red ... He looked naked - well - half naked from what I saw ... he said 'It's rude to just walk into other people's houses.' I was like 'Oh - yeah ... I thought you were coming down the stairs .. sorry .. ' I felt like a right twat ;) I think he mentioned yesterday; I apologised first. Then he asked me how I was; said I was ok, but school was boring. He said he was going back to college Wednesday .. um .. and that was about it really .. and I asked him what he was doing now, he just said 'lying on my bed.' hm ... oh - and he said 'I'm giving up smoking.' I was like YEAH RIGHT! :D That's what they all say. He was like 'seriously, I'm giving up. Haven't smoked fucking nothing since friday.' Hm .. ¬.¬

He'll give in. My dad tried that for a day and it only lasted for two hours :-\

Um .. that was about it ........

I suposse he has to keep his distance. Was quite surprised the way he said 'it's rude to walk into other peoples' houses.' It seemed quite ... nasty.

Um ... 'lying on my bed?' Haha maybe that's irony for 'I've got my girlfriend over' or something. .... Meh, I doubt it ... I'm just being silly ..

I somehow wished I was with him today; Didn't want to go to my nan's ... We could have talked about snails - Colin would have loved the story he told about the snail on his car!!!Watched the latest episode of Lost, drink tea; And laugh at my parents ... which we have done; And I think he mentioned something like 'Well at least it's not a fucking sacrificed lamb on the table.' Or the time when I mentioned the Most Haunted team and a local pub .. He was saying he's been in that pub and no ghost had come up to him; If he was in there while they were filming he said 'I'd be like fucking ... ' *jumps up in the air* 'Hi Mum I'm on telly!!! Hi mum - Mum?!?!!?!!!!!' - Hehe, that was so funny ...

But it was my fault ... I broke the ice; It was always there, I tried walking slowly, which I did; Then I got too excited and started jumping on the ice, til it cracked ... Then I was floating in water, lost aimlessly ... I still am now ...

:(

I want to go round tomorrow for some weird reason. Tomorrow I only have two lessons!

8.30: Textiles

9.30: FREE

10.55 Coms

11.55 FREE

2.30 FREE

So I'll be bored. And the last time I had the same Monday-schedule two weeks ago, I went round there when the cricket was on - England V Australia ......... [well, that passed] ... I remember him saying he didn't want to be interupted watching the cricket ... [well, that passed.]

I don't want to stay in school for like ... the rest of the day; I don't mind second lesson, but not after third. I'll need to speak to my Coms teacher about dropping Coms, but hopefully that won't last long ... Maybe ... I'll go out town, buy some stuff ... then go round? I don't want to go home; I'll be fucking bored as fuck. Unless I ring Nat and Li ... but I expect they'll be at college for the whole day ...................

But then again ... I'm too afraid to go round; Just incase he tells me to get on my bike, or something .. I don't know .... and... well, I doubt we'll talk much - not like we used to ... because ...

:'( Dunno?

... Anyway ... *ahem* .. let's brush that under the carpet for a while. *coughs* :( Gr, cough... I watched a film last night ... whoa, holy shit ... Ted Bundy. Total fucking nutcase. Lol, whooot was all that shit about ... when he broke into some girl's house; Raped her, stabbed in repeatedly in the fucking face and then like ... rammed her vagina in with a huge piece of wood .. . OUCH!!!!!!!!!! What a sick bloke. On one of the women he assulted, he bashed her head in so much, that her fucking skull was dented and you could see a bit of brain ... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GROSS!!!! And in the trail, he pleaded innocent .. well, I think he confessed just before his execution in 1989. Man, he was sicker than Fred West and Ian Brady put together ... well ... almost.

Ian Brady, the man who called himself a Yorkshireman came from Glasgow. He became obsessed with the Nazi-regime, power and sexual domination; He made his girlfriend and partner-in-crime, Myra Hindley, wear a Nazi-type uniform and bleach her hair blonde. He told her rape and the old, ultra violence was perfectly normal; To the point where she was so besotted by him, she'd do anything for him ... And believed in everything he said. She was a Christian, but Brady told her all religion was evil and stuff ... so she stopped going church...

My parents and me watch a film based on them when I was little. I remember it being in black and white; Myra and Ian went to a childrens' Fairground. Ian made Myra go and look for a helpless, innocent child ... which she did. I think it was either John or Lesley-Ann - I'm not sure ... but I remember Myra being on edge a little; Like she didn't want to do it, she cried at one point as she grabbed hold of the child's hand and led her away to the car. She had no choice because she loved Ian, and knew his terrible temper. I think they took Lesley back to this place ... recorded the whole thing ... the poor, 10 year old was crying, begging for her life ... Brady was telling her to shut up ...

Brady starved himself in prison; While Hindley protested her innocent for over three decades, and died in 2003 I think. Evil ... pure evil. But I believe Myra was so besotted with this bloke, that she'd do ANYTHING - ANYTHING for him. So .. Maybe, she was kinda innocent after all?

Sorry, I shouldn't talk about such sickness ... But I find it interesting. I know it's a morbid subject. Often I discuss it while eating my dinner .. I guess it's another subject me and dad have in common. One day, I'm going to go to Gloucester with my dad; We'll drive up through Cromwell Street ... eerie place ...

http://www.crimelibrary.com  .. I think that's right. Quite interesting. Another one of my favourite serial-killers is Dennis Nilsen. He murdered young men; Cut them up and put them under his floor-boards. Before he cut them up, he drew pictures of them and diagrams ... he wanted to publish these exercise-books full of stuff when he was in prison, but was denied. He confessed to all his murders. When the police came to collect him, he happily helped them undercover the bodies; During interviews he would explain in great detail about it all ...

Weird, weird man ... But obsessed with death. When he was a little boy, his grandad was lying in state. He couldn't understand why his grandad died, he loved his grandad. Why did he leave me? I'm lonely now ... He didn't want to leave his victims. He didn't want them to leave him. Often after he killed them, he'd just leave them for a day or to; Watch them decompose ... 'sleeping' like his grandad ...

... Ok, enough now :-\

I'm going to have a shower. Then watch Corrie. Finish the Syd Barrett drawing ...

xXx <3 peace to all ... Hope I didn't offend anyone ... xxx

~x~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sun, Sep. 25th, 2005, 11:26 am
Sunday ...

 

It's Sunday morning. I like Sundays then again I don't. I like them because I always get a nice dinner, and I'm usually inside all day. I don't like them because I realise I have to go back to school the next day ...

I don't want to go back tomorrow. I seriously want to drop Communication Studies; I'm praying it won't be too late to drop it. The teachers always try to persuade you to keep on with that subject. I wanted to drop it two weeks ago, but my tutor said 'just give it a few weeks as a try out. If you don't like it after two weeks, then you can drop it.' But what will I do instead? I mean, History clashes with Art ... I don't want to do fucking Socialogy or bleedin' Psychology. Leisure and Tourism - *yawn* Business Studies - *yawn* ... Health * Social - *yawn* (most of the thickos/dropouts do H and S!) And then there's Science or AS Maths. - Ha! ¬.¬ So really, all the subjects left are pretty shit. I need to make an appointment to see the careers-advisor too. I don't know what to do next year. I might go SCAT ... My friends, Li and Nat, only got two Cs (two official passes.) And yet, they got in straight away because that's all they needed to study Hair & Beauty. If I went SCAT (Somerset College of Arts and Technology) then I'd probably do an art course. It's based in Taunton, however; And I'd have to pay £22 a month in bus-fayres to get there ... Hm ..

That's the disadvantage. There's a disadvantage for everything, especially for me. I don't know why I'm doing the fucking AS course anyway. I'm supossed to be doing what the thickos are doing: The 'Double Award' course, where you HAVE to study H and S. But, I guess ... the head of year felt sorry for me because I'm bright in some places. Or maybe next year, I'll just work full time for a year, then go to University ... Oh, I don't know ... I thought things in Sixth Form would be so easy. I thought I'd be doing two fine years, studying History, Art, Textiles and English Lit (which is what I wanted to do) but I couldn't. I love History ... BASTARDS!!!!!!!!! WHY IS IT IN THE SAME BLOCK AS FUCKING ART?! GRRRRRRR!!!!! I got a B for my final grade!!! Garrr ... BASTARDS!!!!

:'(

I hate life.

I'm missing my friends so much ... Nothing is the same without them. I've made some new friends. Like Krissie who's from London, Becci (who I knew anyway) Hollye a goth who I also knew, but not that well ... Um ... Clair who is cool ;) Um .. Adam .. (he's in 0 of my lessons - but I might retake GCSE maths so .. he might be?) Um .. that's about it really. But they're not like Li and Nat. I miss the Pink Floyd chats me and Nat used to have in Maths and German, and how we used to drool over Dave Gilmour, and talk about our favourite type of blokes. - Oh and chickens! :D .. and I miss Li's constant yap about guys with boom-boxes and cool cars and stuff .. and how we used to laugh and muck around in lessons ... Great times. Probably the two best years of my school-days. They treated me likes person, a friend. I think I trust them both now even more. Before year 10, my life just sucked ... When I was 14, my best friend was a girl who was dating a 23 year old when she was 14. She was nice most of the time, and we had some great laughs that were often tearful. But I remember when things got too ... silly. When she started dating this bloke, she had no time for me; I even bought her comdoms, and the woman who served me new my granny very well :-\ umm ... But yeah. I thought we're going to be friend forever - nooowa! Until year 10, when I was in hardly none of her lessons apart from German and Art. At the start of year 10, I always sat next to her in both of those lessons, Nat and Li used to laugh at me. Til ... she started skiving and stuff, and so I eventually started to befriend with them ... anyway ...

Communication Studies just sucks. I only have one friend in that lesson - just one. On thursday, she was 'ill.' So I, Luce, had to go to that lesson, bored out of my skull. I sat on a long table all by myself. Opposite me was all the 'cooler' kids. A punk, an aspiration girl who used to pick on me in primary school (and she used to pick on Nat last year too.) A boy who is well-liked, even though he looks like Harry Potter ... A snobby-surf boy .. Mr Smooth - who used to Like me :D well, we had our laughs ... And two popular girls, one of whom picked on me terribly for five years. So .. yeah. Great fun there. And when I was on my bills on Thursday's lesson, they all looked over me like I was some ... shy, ugly geek with a bad dress-sense ;) :( Gr ... and of course, we all know what the teachers say when young adults get to be 16-17. They think 'They're all friends now, they'll all treat one another with equality and kindness.' BOLLOCKS! That's rubbish that is. I still get laughed at even now by the aspirational girl. Like the other day, Wednesday ... the teacher asked her to pick someone to explain the meaning of Leakage. And who did she pick? 'Her over there.' The teacher was like 'Her?' and he turned to me and smiled. I was like :( Then she snorted and said 'Yeah .. Um .. Lucy or whatever she's called.' She KNOWS who I am. She picked on me at primary school, and I remember my mum going up there and threatened her mum and said 'I'll beat the shit out of you if you don't fucking tell your daughter to keep away from mine!' She stopped picking on me after that ...

But yeah, then I kinda ... explained through mumbling, and this aspirational-girl like started making a noise with a plastic-cup on purpose until the teacher said 'Sorry, there was an awful noise back here. Could you repeat your explaination please?' So I did ...

Then he asked the punk the same thing. He looked around and shrugged, then the girl goes 'Pick Lucy again!' and everyone laughed ... but he said 'Nah that's tight. .. I'll pick Becci.' Then the teacher was like 'Oh c'mon! Give the girls a break!' - in a lighthearted tone. 'Pick someone from your table!'

And the teachers say 'Sixth form students are mature and treat everyone the same with equality and kindness.' Bollocks ... Well, my year group don't anyway. Some do, but the aspirational kids and the "popular" ones, just don't want to know you because you don't look right, or you're shy .. or something silly. You have to be really pretty in complexion, confident and often rich or aspirational.

Yeah, I miss my friends dearly :( I saw them both the other evening; Wednesday I think. I told Li about the bloke I'd been visiting ... she couldn't believe it. Honestly, she just couldn't get it into her head ... Haha. She was also surprised because I'm very quiet and shy, sweet and innocent - also surprised at the kind of type of bloke he was. Too rebelious for me? And too old ... When I first saw her and Nat she was like 'C'mon then Lucy,' she said with folded arms. 'Spill the beans! He's 28 Lucy - 28!' The way she said it made me feel guilty ... Nat said: 'Oh yeah Luce, I heard about that! You should feel good about yourself Luce!' I was like 'Natalie ... Leanne's right. He's 28 .. ' Natalie said 'Yes, but that's just it: He's 28 Luce! You're so lovely and gorgeous - everyone fancies you!' Leanne said in a envious tone 'Yeah - everyone fancies Lucy!'

Hehe ... well I kinda blushed. Gorgeous? Gr .. Nooo!!! Natalie had to go home soon after, so me and Li were left to talk. She folded her arms again, and demanded I'd tell her everything. I kinda did .. but .. she forced the personal stuff out of me. She was like 'Oh my Gorr Lucy! I can't ... Oh.My.Gorr!!! You've gone furthur than I have!'

I said I was to blame, but she disagreed. ' ... That's not the point,' she said. 'He's 28, he should know better.'

We stood by the postbox, next to the lane ... I smiled when she said 'where does this geezer live then?' I grinned and nodded to the lane. She just grinned back and I started walking up the lane ...

His house is 'well dodgy' :-\ according to Li. She said 'Oh My Gorr - you went in there all by yourself?! You went in there ... Oh Lucy! Why did I ever leave you?! Oh, why, why ... Oh!' Lol, she was so shocked :-\ I was like 'It's not that bad! Trust me!' She just grinned and shook her head, laughing ...

She promised she wouldn't tell anyone, not even Natalie about 'the personal stuff.' I don't kiss and tell really ... it's silly. Just makes you out to be boasting or slutty - well - imo. I'm susprised at myself too for doing what I did - going up to him randomly - asking if he had a girlfriend *oophs* - going into his house when he offered - losing my mind ... then regreting it all. I'm too naive ... too naive ...

I hugged Li before I left. I don't hug her often, (well I have only twice) but I just wanted to because I want to trust her. She knows more about blokes than I do, And I can tell she'll be a wise old crow when she gets old. I said we'll have to meet up sometime ... I suggested Halloween-Night, we could go round trick-or-treating .... we could go up to his house and knock on the door .. I doubt he'll be in ..

I might ring Nat today.

XXXXx

x

Sat, Sep. 24th, 2005, 08:45 pm
Horray, it's my birthday ....

Yay, more presents. My sisters bought me a Vanilla candle and my Boss (possibly all of the staff) of where I work bought me a cute little watch. :)

I decided to go and see him. I'd been looking forward to because it was my birthday and I needed cheering up 'cause I was ill :(

I didn't know what to wear! I wanted to look nice for him. I thought about wearing my new dress; but maybe that looked too formal. So I decided to wear a pair of black jeans, my Clockwork Orange t-shirt and my chocolate cardigan. I wanted to look nice ... didn't want to go round there looking like a total scruff! I put on some makeup - not too much, though. Just some eyeshadow and lipgloss - oh - and foundation. And I didn't brush my hair :P well, the messy-look is in fashion now ...

But yeah ... so, I put on my shoes, told sisters I'd be about fifteen minutes at the most. I was smiling all the way up to his place; But I was a bit nervous. Why? Hm .. don't know. Then I got to his place. The door was open, and the dogs saw me and started to lick my face and stuff. I called out to him, waited a few seconds ... He came down a few steps, but stayed on the stairs. Looked cute as he always does ... *sigh* in those jeans, which he always rolls up, to make them look like quarter-lengths. - And a t-shirt, with something on it like ... well, I think today it had a picture of that Elephant Indian God ... Ganishu? And I think, (I only got a glimpse,) his hair is back to normal? :D .... Um .. so .. I said with a smile, 'hello.' - and waited for him to say 'Hey!' or 'I haven't seen you in ages!' or something, with a huge grin across his face. But his reaction was ... well, not what I expected. He rubbed his face, kinda gave a tired sigh and a frown. He didn't smile; Just said: 'God ... I've got a fucking hangover ... '

I kinda looked at him, still smiling slightly and said 'Oh ... right.'

Without a goodbye, he slumped his way up the stairs again, leaving me bewildered and confused. The dogs were still excited though ...

I waited for about thirty seconds, hoping he'd shout 'come on up' or something like that. But he didn't. So I just ... walked off gloomily, feeling angry and confused. Haha, I thought he didn't drink? Well, not socially; Just every month I suposse ...

When I got home I felt sad, upset .. My first reaction was 'Right - that's it - I'm never going to see him again; he can piss off and die for all I care!' But realised he had a hangover, his reaction probably wasn't intensional; Perhaps he needs more time to think things through. So I'll leave him for now - maybe for another week. Or maybe a fornight ... or a month? Forever?

But Li wants to see 'this geeza' ... I doubt she will; Not after today. I don't know ... as Dad said, why would he want to know me anyway? I'm just some silly kid, who fancies a cute bloke eleven and a half years older than me. He could get any woman he wants in this world; Even a twenty-three year old accountant or a doctor ... I mean, why would he even want to KNOW me? We see the world differently through our own eyes. Perhaps he went back up the stairs to put on something warmer, then returned to me - only to find me vanished? When I got home ... I was so upset, I started .. crying ... my mind remembered the two weeks ago .. everything was so different ..

But anyway, let's brush that under the carpet for a while! I'm happy today :) I'm ill, bored, not working ... pissed off with a bloke who seems to be avoiding me, or not bothered whether I come to see him or not. Yep, this is the best birthday I've had in about five years I think.

Don't worry Colin xx Luce will get over it ... (Hence the irony?) Colin says I could be the next Doctor Who - but in female form. He says I look like a 'mystery' with a black hat on and those 80s glasses dad's owned for over 25 years ...

Thanks Colin! xXXxxx

x <3

Today I am wearing ...

'Clockwork Orange' t-shirt

Black jeans

White studed belt

Chocolate cardigan

Sat, Sep. 24th, 2005, 08:27 pm
At Seventeen I learned the truth ...

  

Illness is the worse thing in the world ...

Hehe, well, I'm glad I ain't got Cancer at the moment. It's more of a ... cold, mixed with a dry, bad throat, stuffy nose and a horrible cough. And my skin is more sensitive than usual, and I feel a little feverish :(

Today is my birthday :) Bit freaky 'cause last year, when I was 'Sweet Sixteen' I was ill then! Gaah ... and now I'm ill this year :(

I remember when I was 10. Waking up at like 7am, running in my parents' bedroom shouting 'Yay it's my birthday!! I'm double figures!' - haha .. and now, seven years later ... I don't even feel .. happy :(

I'm glad I'm not working today ...

Good timing, eh? It's my birthday - if I wasn't ill - I'd HAVE TO work .. and because I'm ill, I don't have to :D hehe ...

*cough*

:( Ow, my throat ...

I've got £40 in total of 'Birthday Money' - Some still to come from my nanny ... and my sisters' presents. - And my friends? Hehe, they forgot! Oh well, I don't care. I don't want presents. I've got a job now, with lots of money - .. so presents have stopped becoming important to me. I know it sounds weird ... but last year, My family were buying my clothes. I got a pair of suede boots for my 16th and I was so chuffed; whereas now, I can just go and buy some at any time.

My parents haven't given my present yet. I don't know what I want. No, I DON'T want money :P .. I'd like to get a dvd/cd. I might ask Daddy if he can buy me the new Pink Floyd dvd for £13. It's rare Pink Floyd footage from 1966-1967; Includes footage of John Lennon and Mick Jagger walking about, being interviewed about their views on the lightshows. Pretty cool :P

~

I didn't see him today. I guess before I was ill, I was hoping to see him Saturday; But I'm too ill. :( He hasn't got me a card/present I bet! :P hehe. I don't care ... but I keep all my cards :) I might pop out later, out town ... spend some of the money. So perhaps I'll catch him ...

</3

Hm ...

Yep ...

Well, that's all for now I suposse ...

Oh - and my snails are happy. Colin gave me a card ... but it had slime all over it. And he baked me a chocolate-cake; Which I could eat ... apart from the added leaves :-\ So I declined the cake ;)

LOVE YOU COLIN!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXxxxXXXXXXXX <3

(Colin is my pet snail for all who didn't know. There's a picture of him in previous entry(ies). Also, he has a cousin called Norris.)

Thanks for the presents everyone :)

xxx

I learned the truth at seventeen

That love was meant for beauty queens

and high school girls with clear-skinned smiles

who married young, and then retired

The valentines I never knew

The Friday night charades of youth

were spent on one more beautiful

At seventeen I learned the truth ...

... We play the game, and when we dare

we cheat ourselves at solitaire

Inventing lovers on the phone

Repenting other lives unknown

that call and say 'Come dance with me'

and murmur vague obscenities

at ugly girls like me, at seventeen ...

... To those of us who knew the pain

of valentines that never came

and those whose names were never called

when choosing sides for basketball

It was long ago, and far away

The world was younger than today

when dreams were all they gave for free

to ugly duckling girls like me ...

Tue, Sep. 20th, 2005, 09:29 pm
What is beauty anyway? There is no such thing ...

... So Pablo Picasso said once. Well, he would: He's a Cubist. Their artwork consists of ugly, demented paintings; Blocks of either bright colours or dark ones to create emotion. Maybe he was into Fauvism too?

But he has a point. What is beauty? What things do we see as 'Beautiful?' In today's society as human-beings, our connotations of beauty is perhaps a myth. An 'ugly' woman tends to be one with acne, disgusting teeth; Big ears, a big nose ... horrible, skanky hair. And a 'beautiful' woman is seen to have a clear complexion, big eyes and lovely lips: Skinny, maybe. Nice hair, nice body ... Kate Moss? All these features - whether good or bad ... it's how we see them in our society. I often wonder, whether there is need for ugliness and beauty. And in the last decade, being beautiful has played a huge part in the media: Music, hollywood, modeling ... And God knows why? Maybe, because human-beings are beginning to become self-loathing bastads; Selfish and full of greed. Ahhh, e.g: Simon Cowell. Yes, Simon, we've all seen how you look at those beautiful seventeen year olds who can "sing" when they walk through the audition-room. He grins at them when they sing and then says 'wow ... I'm just breathless. That was sensational. You're through to the next round!' And they're like crying going like 'Oh my God, Simon! *gasp* Thank you!!!' - and the sluts tend to hug him too. :-\ I mean, he put through a plastic stripper for Fuck's sake - just because she kept flirting with him on set ¬.¬ ... He knows shit about music. WESTLIFE?!!! Errrr - whoooot! PINK FLOYD FOREVER. OASIS FOREVER. LED ZEPPELIN FOREVER.

Today was ok. Art was cool, so was Textiles. Graphics was quite funny ... Coms a big yawn. Haha. After school, I decided to see him. All day, I was hoping to have a chit-chat with him. He wasn't home :( ... why do I bother? I don't know if he was in; Hard to tell. Usually, when the dogs bark and scratch at the door, he comes running down the stairs. Maybe he's trying to avoid me ... well, don't blame him if he was.

Should I bother again? Hm ... don't know. I'm always bored during my free-lessons, and bollocks if I'm going to join the "keep-fit" programme (you're supossed to take part every wednesday afternoon during your free lesson!) - but you know me .. :P I'm fit enough as it is. I way below the average sixteen year-old. ... so yeah, I'm always bored during my free lessons. The common-room is just sooo boring; so is the library and the computers. And town ... heh, pretty rubbish too. Hm ...

I have lots of homework to be getting on with! So I'd better make a start on that. haha. I need a shower, and some reading ...

Can't watch Most Haunted :( Infact, I always get distrated. Haha. :P - from my homework ...

well, hadn't I better get on with things?

~*~

xxx SNAILS are amazing. xxx

my fave is the Apple-Snail ... and garden snails.

xxoxoxoxoxx

http://www.applesnail.net

This is my snail called Colin.

xxx Love you Colin <3 :D

xx

Mon, Sep. 19th, 2005, 08:57 pm
Smile like you mean it ...

Today was alright. Adam - bless him: Gave me back the Zep sessions. Haha. He likes a GOOD band! Well, there's a surprise .. :P

I suposse I am happy; though, I do feel ... a little down. Heh. He wasn't home today ... Guess he was out somewhere? Hm ... Should I try tomorrow? Or wait til Saturday - my birthday. (I have to work that day.) Maybe he'll give me a cuddle ... or a smile at least ¬.¬

Dunno what I want for my birthday. Um ... money? Clothes. A new phone; New CD Walkman. I'm not bothered really. I'm 16: Too old for presents. And every birthday, mum always tells it how it was: A cold, wet day in the DIY store ... :-\ The waters broken :-\ or whatever .. hahaha.

Also, today, I went to the school-library. Asked for the 1993 year-book. Hehe ... He was in there: I swear it was him. He looked a little chubby, though - and his hair-cut ... :| So 1993! haha! He had his eyes closed; But he was beaming. It was how I recognised him :P But he had a different last name ... :\ hm. I guess when I asked him; He didn't want to tell me because ... ? Hm .. dunno. His entry was short and sweet: Something about Elton John

:-\ haha.

O0000000ooooh and my parents love meeeee ... ooooOOOOoooh and they're all taking photos of me!!!!

agrrhhhhhhh!!!! ooooooohhhhhhhhh .... nah nah.... !!!! and my girlfriend loves meehhhh!!!! :-\ Kaiser Chiefs!

xxXXxx Snails - save the snails ... they love the world, do our snails. XXXxxxXXXX

XXXxxxXX Kill the Daddy-Long-Legs ... they hate the world, don't they!!!!!?? XXxxxXXXXXX

Chickens .. blurp :>

x Yes, I'm random ...

Bye all .. and hi to Graeme - and my secret admirer who keeps posting :-\

xx <3 xx

xxx Hello to Norris my snail

Sun, Sep. 18th, 2005, 08:48 pm
I wish life was a slice of sweet, chocolate cake ...

  

Life sucks sometimes.

When you think something great will happen; Life suddenly goes behind your back and tortures you til you feel like shit. I often wonder, whether the future, everything that happens to us ... is all mapped out for us. Like, someone made a plan for each and every one of the human beings on this weird, living and breeding planet: Whether we live, die ... live a beautiful life, or a horrible one. Whether we get married to George Bush or Brad Pitt ... whether we're murdered by Fred and Rose West ... whether we become famous. Is there a meaning?

Don't know what to do today. Sunday. A week ago today, I was really happy, filled with excitement ... Day-dreaming, skipping down the road ... not even thinking about all the homework I had to complete. And now, seven days later ... I feel ... alone, horrible, guilty, sinful, totally stupid, really, really dumb ... I'm unhappy again. I haven't seen my two best friends in a fucking month. Natalie's been to Jamaica for three weeks, so I don't know if she's back yet? And Leanne's at a college, working her little bum off. I'll ring Natalie, maybe tomorrow.

I just ... WANTED a cuddle, WANTED to talk to someone, to laugh with someone, get some high self-esteem. And now, I can't because it's wrong, because it's STUPID -

S T U P I D. Heh, what a word: Stu ... Pid. Kinda rhymes with ... Cu ... Pid. Maybe they're both used in the same context sometimes.

The weather's gay too: Grey, cold ... and I have so much homework to do by tomorrow: Two art pieces, one stupid thing for Coms ... and like three pieces to do for fucking Graphics - which is a fucking bore. Apart from the teacher. :D ¬.¬ well, one of them, who is a beautiful young lady, likes to let the boys muck around, so she can flirt with them. When I put my hand in the air for ages, it begins to ache because like, she just laughs and giggles with the boys. And she KNOWS they all fancy her!!!! HEH! ¬.¬

I feel like crying. I did Thursday and Friday ... and Saturday. It seemed my week went from sunshine to rain within seven days. Bastard life ... stop being so cruel! :-O

I was paid Friday too! Bought some stuff. It's dad's birthday today, I bought him two Wings albums online. I was thinking about buying The Rolling Stones new album, but gave it a miss. I need to save my money - I need to give the school something like £40 to go towards the Textiles/Graphics/Art equipment. So I can't live in luxury for a while :P

So .. what shall I do tomorrow? Hm ... Oh joy. Four lessons ... ¬.¬ Coms first, then free, then Graphics, then art, then Graphics again ... HOW WONDERFUL! YIPEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes I was being sarcastic.) ¬.¬ And what will I do during the free period at half nine? Maybe I'll pop out town on my bills ...

.. or ... No, I won't do that. I can't. It's wrong. And it's dead anyway. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. Even the friendship seems dead. *starts crying* Stupid life. It's a cunt ... *sniffs* Anyone got a tissue? :'(

Well, I've finished the art homework ... I've still got much to do!

.. And I need a shower ...

I wish I could rewind time. Wish it never happened ... Humans wish for a lot of things; Throw salt over their shoulders and whisper a wish, throw a sixpence for the fairies in the wishing-wells, while thinking of a wish. But it never comes true.

I had a weird dream last night. I think it meant something; Even though the place was weird, the context seemed ... so right. Haha. Hence the brain ... our conscience. *sigh* Life.

... everybody cries ...

... Everybody hurts ... sometimes ...

Sometimes everything is wrong ...

or an ... an IMITATION OF LIFE ... coolest song on the Revel album ;) xxxXXXxx xx xx

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