Log in

Sun, Sep. 25th, 2005, 11:26 am
Sunday ...


It's Sunday morning. I like Sundays then again I don't. I like them because I always get a nice dinner, and I'm usually inside all day. I don't like them because I realise I have to go back to school the next day ...

I don't want to go back tomorrow. I seriously want to drop Communication Studies; I'm praying it won't be too late to drop it. The teachers always try to persuade you to keep on with that subject. I wanted to drop it two weeks ago, but my tutor said 'just give it a few weeks as a try out. If you don't like it after two weeks, then you can drop it.' But what will I do instead? I mean, History clashes with Art ... I don't want to do fucking Socialogy or bleedin' Psychology. Leisure and Tourism - *yawn* Business Studies - *yawn* ... Health * Social - *yawn* (most of the thickos/dropouts do H and S!) And then there's Science or AS Maths. - Ha! ¬.¬ So really, all the subjects left are pretty shit. I need to make an appointment to see the careers-advisor too. I don't know what to do next year. I might go SCAT ... My friends, Li and Nat, only got two Cs (two official passes.) And yet, they got in straight away because that's all they needed to study Hair & Beauty. If I went SCAT (Somerset College of Arts and Technology) then I'd probably do an art course. It's based in Taunton, however; And I'd have to pay £22 a month in bus-fayres to get there ... Hm ..

That's the disadvantage. There's a disadvantage for everything, especially for me. I don't know why I'm doing the fucking AS course anyway. I'm supossed to be doing what the thickos are doing: The 'Double Award' course, where you HAVE to study H and S. But, I guess ... the head of year felt sorry for me because I'm bright in some places. Or maybe next year, I'll just work full time for a year, then go to University ... Oh, I don't know ... I thought things in Sixth Form would be so easy. I thought I'd be doing two fine years, studying History, Art, Textiles and English Lit (which is what I wanted to do) but I couldn't. I love History ... BASTARDS!!!!!!!!! WHY IS IT IN THE SAME BLOCK AS FUCKING ART?! GRRRRRRR!!!!! I got a B for my final grade!!! Garrr ... BASTARDS!!!!


I hate life.

I'm missing my friends so much ... Nothing is the same without them. I've made some new friends. Like Krissie who's from London, Becci (who I knew anyway) Hollye a goth who I also knew, but not that well ... Um ... Clair who is cool ;) Um .. Adam .. (he's in 0 of my lessons - but I might retake GCSE maths so .. he might be?) Um .. that's about it really. But they're not like Li and Nat. I miss the Pink Floyd chats me and Nat used to have in Maths and German, and how we used to drool over Dave Gilmour, and talk about our favourite type of blokes. - Oh and chickens! :D .. and I miss Li's constant yap about guys with boom-boxes and cool cars and stuff .. and how we used to laugh and muck around in lessons ... Great times. Probably the two best years of my school-days. They treated me likes person, a friend. I think I trust them both now even more. Before year 10, my life just sucked ... When I was 14, my best friend was a girl who was dating a 23 year old when she was 14. She was nice most of the time, and we had some great laughs that were often tearful. But I remember when things got too ... silly. When she started dating this bloke, she had no time for me; I even bought her comdoms, and the woman who served me new my granny very well :-\ umm ... But yeah. I thought we're going to be friend forever - nooowa! Until year 10, when I was in hardly none of her lessons apart from German and Art. At the start of year 10, I always sat next to her in both of those lessons, Nat and Li used to laugh at me. Til ... she started skiving and stuff, and so I eventually started to befriend with them ... anyway ...

Communication Studies just sucks. I only have one friend in that lesson - just one. On thursday, she was 'ill.' So I, Luce, had to go to that lesson, bored out of my skull. I sat on a long table all by myself. Opposite me was all the 'cooler' kids. A punk, an aspiration girl who used to pick on me in primary school (and she used to pick on Nat last year too.) A boy who is well-liked, even though he looks like Harry Potter ... A snobby-surf boy .. Mr Smooth - who used to Like me :D well, we had our laughs ... And two popular girls, one of whom picked on me terribly for five years. So .. yeah. Great fun there. And when I was on my bills on Thursday's lesson, they all looked over me like I was some ... shy, ugly geek with a bad dress-sense ;) :( Gr ... and of course, we all know what the teachers say when young adults get to be 16-17. They think 'They're all friends now, they'll all treat one another with equality and kindness.' BOLLOCKS! That's rubbish that is. I still get laughed at even now by the aspirational girl. Like the other day, Wednesday ... the teacher asked her to pick someone to explain the meaning of Leakage. And who did she pick? 'Her over there.' The teacher was like 'Her?' and he turned to me and smiled. I was like :( Then she snorted and said 'Yeah .. Um .. Lucy or whatever she's called.' She KNOWS who I am. She picked on me at primary school, and I remember my mum going up there and threatened her mum and said 'I'll beat the shit out of you if you don't fucking tell your daughter to keep away from mine!' She stopped picking on me after that ...

But yeah, then I kinda ... explained through mumbling, and this aspirational-girl like started making a noise with a plastic-cup on purpose until the teacher said 'Sorry, there was an awful noise back here. Could you repeat your explaination please?' So I did ...

Then he asked the punk the same thing. He looked around and shrugged, then the girl goes 'Pick Lucy again!' and everyone laughed ... but he said 'Nah that's tight. .. I'll pick Becci.' Then the teacher was like 'Oh c'mon! Give the girls a break!' - in a lighthearted tone. 'Pick someone from your table!'

And the teachers say 'Sixth form students are mature and treat everyone the same with equality and kindness.' Bollocks ... Well, my year group don't anyway. Some do, but the aspirational kids and the "popular" ones, just don't want to know you because you don't look right, or you're shy .. or something silly. You have to be really pretty in complexion, confident and often rich or aspirational.

Yeah, I miss my friends dearly :( I saw them both the other evening; Wednesday I think. I told Li about the bloke I'd been visiting ... she couldn't believe it. Honestly, she just couldn't get it into her head ... Haha. She was also surprised because I'm very quiet and shy, sweet and innocent - also surprised at the kind of type of bloke he was. Too rebelious for me? And too old ... When I first saw her and Nat she was like 'C'mon then Lucy,' she said with folded arms. 'Spill the beans! He's 28 Lucy - 28!' The way she said it made me feel guilty ... Nat said: 'Oh yeah Luce, I heard about that! You should feel good about yourself Luce!' I was like 'Natalie ... Leanne's right. He's 28 .. ' Natalie said 'Yes, but that's just it: He's 28 Luce! You're so lovely and gorgeous - everyone fancies you!' Leanne said in a envious tone 'Yeah - everyone fancies Lucy!'

Hehe ... well I kinda blushed. Gorgeous? Gr .. Nooo!!! Natalie had to go home soon after, so me and Li were left to talk. She folded her arms again, and demanded I'd tell her everything. I kinda did .. but .. she forced the personal stuff out of me. She was like 'Oh my Gorr Lucy! I can't ... Oh.My.Gorr!!! You've gone furthur than I have!'

I said I was to blame, but she disagreed. ' ... That's not the point,' she said. 'He's 28, he should know better.'

We stood by the postbox, next to the lane ... I smiled when she said 'where does this geezer live then?' I grinned and nodded to the lane. She just grinned back and I started walking up the lane ...

His house is 'well dodgy' :-\ according to Li. She said 'Oh My Gorr - you went in there all by yourself?! You went in there ... Oh Lucy! Why did I ever leave you?! Oh, why, why ... Oh!' Lol, she was so shocked :-\ I was like 'It's not that bad! Trust me!' She just grinned and shook her head, laughing ...

She promised she wouldn't tell anyone, not even Natalie about 'the personal stuff.' I don't kiss and tell really ... it's silly. Just makes you out to be boasting or slutty - well - imo. I'm susprised at myself too for doing what I did - going up to him randomly - asking if he had a girlfriend *oophs* - going into his house when he offered - losing my mind ... then regreting it all. I'm too naive ... too naive ...

I hugged Li before I left. I don't hug her often, (well I have only twice) but I just wanted to because I want to trust her. She knows more about blokes than I do, And I can tell she'll be a wise old crow when she gets old. I said we'll have to meet up sometime ... I suggested Halloween-Night, we could go round trick-or-treating .... we could go up to his house and knock on the door .. I doubt he'll be in ..

I might ring Nat today.



Sun, Sep. 25th, 2005 03:55 pm (UTC)

you have gone further with him, then Li has on boys? What is all this personal stuff? What is it that is so shocking? You have said you didn't sleep with him, did you lie about that???

Sun, Sep. 25th, 2005 06:46 pm (UTC)

Uhm ... :) It's girly-talk Graeme :(
Don't worry .. :)
I'm ok now :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3